roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
