i jhust puked up my retainher.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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