and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
