In the future we'll all be gay
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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