I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
