I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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