Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
