he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just want nice things and good sex
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
