I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
