If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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