Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
