Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
