Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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