giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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