She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
