Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
