fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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