I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
