wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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