I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
