In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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