Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
