watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i came on her dog
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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