I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
