i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
