Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
