Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
