Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
