Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
