I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
