How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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