He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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