Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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