I hate your face
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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