3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I could fuck to npr.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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