yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
