Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
