I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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