You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
