take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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