She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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