im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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