Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
