My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
