theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
