Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
