i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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