i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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