I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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