Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
