You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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