My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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