You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
