At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
